Hey Becky,
This letter is not typical, I know.
But neither is this stunt I've pulled.
Please wait for the music to start and then
click the link below to read the letter.
OKAY
p.s. I hope you're using Internet Explorer
|
10.26.3 This is my dilemma (and, since I undertand that you and I are going to have to spend the rest of our lives together, this is DEFINTELY something we need to discuss): 1) I have a drug problem (Drinking too much/Smoking too often) 2) I have, as I will call it, a sparatic "Nate Syndrome" 3) Sometimes I try and fit too much into my scedule and I brake down/things don't happen according to plan. So, there it is. This is no where near where I NEED to be. I see this. And it's a problem. As a matter of fact, I am extremely close to telling my family about my smoking habit (which, by the way, has become much much better then a year ago.) I've also recently had a few thourough disussions with some friends of mine about my smoking. We've reached the same conclusions. Becky, I'm not trying to dance around this issue. No. The fact of the matter is that I bailed out last week on my visit and both you and I are pissed at me for doing so... in the fassion withwhich I'm still kicking my ass over. Just ask Megan. The poetry of those letters was my only way of expressing myself and my mysery (believe it or not). So why haven't I called you yet? I am so sorry. Becky, this is a very very messy time in my life right now. I've seen the other side. I've been there, done that... and I don't like it. I don't like it for what it makes me; I don't like it because it's irresposible for Ethan; and I don't like it because that is not what a respectable person/parent should do with his or her life. I DON'T NEED IT! But that's my problem. Although I've gotten better at my smoking habit, I'm still a few shots short of a pitcher. I have been neglecting my body and drinking way too heavily for way too long. Especially when I'm back in Wisconsin. This pisses me off more than I've ever expressed to you in words. I don't even want to fucking talk with my friends right now. I need to break away from them and their (our) fucking habits. When it comes down to it, I NEED to mature. I need to be a role model. I need to set an example. And I need to fucking follow through on these changes. That's my problem. I can't commit. You know that. But all that HAS TO CHANGE! Not only for me, but I know that I will further loose your respect and possibly the respect of my son. Damn it! I CANNOT let that happen! Okay, so why haven't I called. Honestly... It's partial because I hate to hear the sound of the dissapointment in your voice. Because I'm scared. Becky, I'm scared of this power that you hold over me. I've just about snapped over this whole ordeal. I've cried to Megan, I've wept to myself. I've even gone as far as to pretend like it's all okay. - Yeah, that's what fucks me up the most. That is the shit which really fucks me up. I've been closer and closer to realizing this recently. It's how I am. If something's bothering me I push it aside, or pretend it's not there, or whatever. It sucks, I know, but I must confront this little dillemma and sock it on the nose. I've gotta catch this little nuance and expose it. I HAVE TO! So, here we are. This letter has been going nicely, I suppose. I just wish I could say the same for this little situation I've gotten us in. The big thing here is consitency. My life is completely lacking. Okay, bare with me. These are a few things that I really NEED to improve on or, as you mentioned in your email yesterday about " been silent up until now for a reason". Oh yeah. I can only imagine. And, as you may or may not know, I DO have a good imagination. Additionally, I will be giving you a call but please, please forgive me if it is not immediately. I really do need this time right now. It's like investing when you're young. The returns are so much greater as you get older. So anyway, here is what I've started with tonight: Consistantly on time. Phone calls need to be more regular. Emails need to be more regular. Consistantly not smoking (hardly) Drinking occassions only when away from Ethan Drinking maximums set Early to bed, early to rise. Phone calls especially when NEEDED!!! So, I'm sorry for wasting your time but honestly, I don't believe that this piece of communication was a waste of time for either of us. I really believe that. And, with a bit more confidence, I can begin to believe in myself. And, before I wrap this up, I want to pose a question... It is a question which has been posed to me many times by Megan and I still have yet to find the answer. Why did I want to hold your hand in Florida as Ethan, you and I were walking on that road? Why? What do you feel is the answer? finding resolve, searching for truth -Adam |